I sit on my couch this morning after Mookie goes down for his nap, and I say to myself, "Yes. Now. I will get something done!" I say this almost every morning during nap time. I open up my laptop, check my email (all junk), and quickly rule out the tantalizing option of catching up on the TV show I missed last night. I need to work. There are a myriad of tasks on which to spread my focus:
work on my novel
design a marketing product for my employer
hammer away at low-paying transcription jobs
brainstorm Christmas gift ideas
write a blog post
earn some points on Swagbucks
browse eBay for shoes
write a letter to my credit card company
check my bank account balance
look for recipes for supper
Nothing sounds tempting. My mind is a screen full of dozens of open tabs, each begging to be addressed. One keeps blinking: Small paycheck this week. I haven't had much work lately and I feel preoccupied with finding ways to earn more money. I say a quick prayer, asking God for the 849th time to PLEASE send some design jobs my way. "I promise, Lord, I'm ready to work hard. I just need something to work ON." Another tab flashes: Out of diapers. Toddler has diarrhea. Only $1 in my wallet. I start to worry about where I will come up with five bucks in the next few hours to buy a pack of diapers at the grocery store. Maybe I have enough change?
"God, I'm ready for that job now. Here I am. Just send it on over. See how obedient I am, sitting here with my game face on and ready to give it 110%?"
An overwhelming part of me believes that my financial problems stem from a lack of obedience to God, or a spirit of laziness on my part. My brain tells me that He is punishing me over and over for not being a better steward of His resources. I am suffering the consequences one hundred fold, regardless of how frequently or fervently I repent. The bible says that God's forgiveness of my sin utterly blots it out, but because I know that He is omniscient, can He truly forget that I have done wrong?
Uh oh. That's dangerous ground - accusing God of holding a grudge.
My brain is paralyzed under the strain of a mental stalemate: I want to work hard, but maybe God doesn't want my effort.
You see, I'm a fixer. A problem-solver. A troubleshooter. Every particle of my being cries out to repair any flaw it finds within or outside of itself. Are you poor? Work harder. Are you lonely? Reach out to some friends. Are you depressed? Seek medication and counseling. Are you fat? Get your butt of the couch and do some Zumba! My human nature is to DO. Especially in our American culture, it's a real shame and a travesty to be caught looking lazy or unmotivated. We've been taught that we can achieve anything we put our minds to, so we don't leave room for God to work in us and for us.
One of my favorite bible verses comes from the Psalms, and it is very short and sweet: "Be still and know that I am God." Be still?!? God wants me to stop DOING. I need to stop trying so hard to prove myself to Him, as if I could possibly earn even a speck of grace. That is a hard lesson for an American: you cannot earn God's grace.
The best I can do is prepare myself to do the Lord's work when He gives it to me, and to recognize it when it comes. Other than that, all He asks is that I trust Him. One way or another, we will survive the diaper shortage. One way or another, we will have enough to pay our bills. One way or another, Christmas will be a joyous occasion.
One way or another, God has provided and will always provide for my needs.
Ebenezer and Jehovah Jireh.
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