Knock, Knock! It's Me - God!

I always say that I never asked for much. I don't have any really major ambitions in my life. Growing up, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to be a wife and a mom. I wanted to live in a pretty house in a quiet neighborhood, hosting play dates and leading bible studies. Someday I'd like to write a novel - that's my "biggest" goal. I'll leave the high-rise executive jobs to the career women, the mansions to the doctor's wives, the silver screen to the waitress-slash-actresses. All I want is to be "normal."

Recently it struck me how I measure the loftiness of my dreams. It's pretty common to want things that come naturally and are social norms in our culture, like marriage and kids. I think we come to expect that those goals are merely milestones in life, inevitable, coming naturally in time to follow losing baby teeth and growing body hair. But talk to a single person in their 30s or 40s and you realize very quickly how love and marriage do not automatically come to everyone who wishes it. Visit with a couple who has been struggling to conceive for five years and you will see the agony of unattained parenthood.

Now how do my dreams measure up?

I married my high school sweetheart. I hit that one out of the park in terms of life achievement! We have been married for ten years and are better friends and partners with every day that passes. Yes, I know God gave me my greatest blessing - second to salvation - when he brought the two of us together. One very ordinary goal was made an extraordinary success for me.

Three little boys were graciously gifted to hubby and me. They are healthy, they are handsome, they are a handful with a capital H. I hug them closely every time my mind wanders to the five boys in heaven that the Lord called home as babes. To my hubby they are uncles, brother, and nephews. Priceless. To me they are my welcoming committee when I go Home (O Lord, haste the day!) and a constant reminder of the earthly blessing I have in my children. Was my average desire to be a mother very average in light of those five precious souls? Oh my...NO.

You know how I said I wanted a pretty house in a quiet neighborhood? Yeah, I didn't get that one. And for nearly a decade, that one (what I call) failure has driven me to misery and distraction. Since our wedding, hubby and I have bounced from one mediocre rental home to another - seven in total so far - longing for the day that we would have the means to buy our first house. Now, as we wait for God to show us rental number eight, I meditate on this bible verse:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, 

and do not lean on your own understanding." 

Proverbs 3:5 (ESV)

My own understanding, up till now, has been that I was entitled to a comfortable house. My own understanding was that a house was what I needed to be idyllically content. My own understanding was that God was punishing us for not using our money wisely by forcing us to slog through life in debt and theoretical homelessness.

My own understanding is faithless garbage.

What I realized about this widely-known verse from Proverbs is that, if I lean on my own understanding, I am not trusting the Lord with all my heart. Maybe I was trusting Him with part of my heart, but that's not what He calls for, is it? Furthermore, if God granted me my few measly requests, I wouldn't really need Him for anything anymore, would I?

Bingo. In my life plan I forgot to leave room for God. So He made room for Himself.

With every move, God is knocking on my door. He's saying, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock (Rev. 3:20)!" He's asking me to let Him into my life, to leave room for His plans. And I'm finally opening that door so that I can enjoy what He wants to give me. Sure, I still feel tense about our housing situation. It's difficult to move on an almost-annual basis with three kids and not always knowing when or how it will work out. But because I am submitting to the Lord's will, my faith is being strengthened and my life made more whole.